Perhaps you have seen the new Christmas ad for the red and green Rice Cripsies. Apparently, the boxes come with molds for people to shape their rice cripsies treats into holiday-themed creations. The little girl in the ad ends up haphazardly making these treats and giving them to strangers around town. This is an Open Letter to her.
Dear Dork: So you think you're cute, with your coke-bottle glasses and pigtails, running around the city giving randoms your rice cripsies creations. Sure, your mother and grandmother probably think you're cute, and they might appreciate a rice crispies treat in the shape of a stocking or a Christmas bell.
Please let me assure you that the lady behind the counter at the corner store does not think you are cute, nor does she want a poorly put together piece of food art made by a five year old who probably eats her boogers and doesn't wash her hands after pooping. I saw Corner Store Lady hesitate before accepting the treat you unceremoniously shoved across the counter - she's thinking, do I break her little heart? Or do I smile and pretend I'm not worried this cookie-that-is-supposed-to-look-like-a-star-but-actually-looks-like-a-malevolent-wart doesn't carry SARS or the Avian Flu? You know she put on a pair of HAZMAT gloves and burned the thing after you and your incredibly weird mother skipped away into the night, only to go home and shape another Frankenstein-esque creation and inflict more pain on the world.
So, Dorky Little Girl in the Rice Cripsies Commercial, feel free to save your cold-sore soaked creations for your mother and grandmother, who have no choice but to love you. Happy Holidays! Love, Dolly