for bollymabis

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I've been travelling on this road too long

I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. This is the last time I'll open my eyes. The last time I'll be surrounded by these people. By my colleagues and friends. There's so much pain. Like nothing I've ever imagined. I look down at the numerous IVs in my arms. I cringe at the thought of what's wrong with me. There's a blanket covering the place where my calves should be but its flat. I feel something pricking into my lower back. More needles. But its none of these things that bother me. It was preventable. None of this had to happen. More of a mistake that was made because of choices. Bad choices. Choices that had nothing to do with me. Is it karma? What did I do wrong? Nothing. Getting up this morning? But why does it matter now? It doesn't. I close my eyes and memories flood back to me and there are too many images to process. My family's house, the smell of mom's cake, Christmas time, family trips... I feel something wet and I burst into silent tears.

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